Sunday, January 9, 2011

FFD Condoms

The other day I was talking with a male friend of mine. He was feeling somewhat frustrated over how long it takes women to be willing to have sex in the early stages of dating. I gave him my theory on the matter: Women actually DO want to have sex on the first or second date. Women like sex JUST as much as men do, possibly even more. But culturally, women are taught to hesitate. I think a lot of this goes back to teen virginity loss. What happens if a high school boy shows up to school on a Monday and tells his friends he lost his virginity over the weekend? He gets high fives. What happens if a high school girl does the same? Chances are pretty good that her friends will tell her she’s acting like a slut. Especially if she hadn’t been dating the boy for very long. So girls get the impression (both from their culture and from other girls) that they must develop some sort of deep, meaningful, committed bond with a boy before having sex with him. This sucks, in my opinion. It sucks for young men, because they aren’t looking for a deep, committed relationship at that age. And it sucks for young women, because emotional attachment becomes a burdensome prerequisite for indulging in wonderful, wonderful sex! Really, if young women were encouraged to desire outside of the box, they also wouldn’t be looking for a committed relationship at such a young age. They are taught to think that’s what they want. And the misery that results affects both them and their male partners. (Emotional suffocation.)

So here’s my solution. Fuck on the First Date condoms. It will be a line of condoms marketed specifically to young women. Maybe the wrappers will have something like a pattern of Coach purse C’s across them, or cute pink anime creatures. On the back of each condom wrapper, a bold quote or question will be emblazoned (in the spirit of fortune cookies). Such as... “Have you told the hotty pants next door that you want to fuck him?” (Teens will collect the wrappers and decorate their lockers with them.) The goal of FFD Condoms will be to tear down the shame and vulnerability women have been enculturated to feel about having sex prior to developing deep emotional attachment. Wonderful happiness will thrive as a result! Women will no longer feel like they must control and snare men in order to have legitimate sexual enjoyment. Men will stop suffering the pain of blue balls. And just imagine how fun it could be... Men would buy cardboard heart-shaped boxes on Valentine’s Day filled with FFD condoms AND chocolates for their favorite ladies. And women would never respond with scathing remarks like, “You’re such a dog!” or “What do you think I am, a piece of meat?”

How do I know this will work? Because I have always been the kind of woman who fucks on the first date, and I have found it to liberating and quite enjoyable. I’ve gotten a lot of criticism from both male and female peers for that, and it used to make me feel ashamed. Luckily, I tend to be so passionately absorbed in my own desires that I am rendered oblivious to what other people think of me until after the fact. So even in my younger years, when I apologized to everyone for everything that I was, I never did stop being a fuck-on-the-first-date kind of lass. And that, my friends, is a beautiful thing.


  1. I do think it goes further than what females are taught through culture though. Biologically, for millions of years, women have had the intuition that sex usually equals pregnancy. Our bodies warn us that the pleasure of sex could very realistically lead to the major responsibility of children.

    Walking around with a uterus is a gigantic reminder of accountability.

  2. I also wonder what kind of impact it would have. Culturally it would make us more tolerant of sexual behavior, but I don't know that it would change my personal attitudes toward sex.

    I know you. I laugh with you. I read your blog and I've read your book. Sex and sexuality are a huge part of your being but not part of mine. I could repeat back why sex is important [to you], but I can't honestly say I understand it.

    It might be similar to how I have trouble relating to people who don't have rage.

    The thing I enjoy about sex is the sense of being worshipped, but that's something I can get much more easily from other activities.

    The physical grossness of sex coupled with the social drama surrounding it make it unappealing to me. Culture plays some part in that, but I can't say for certain that I'd be more willing to fuck if our culture changed. Even without the social stigma against sexual-ness the first two things that come to my mind at the moment when sex is proposed are 'work' and 'cleaning up the slime.'

  3. Dear Shark,
    Since you're saying what you think, I'll bet your only place in the FFD universe is as blam-o dynamite rad. This clever strategy sounds targeted at certain nameless individuals (mostly because they rarely say what they think) who really, really like sex and don't think it's okay to say, think, or do.

    For most of my life I thought I was a big, dangerous monster {graaakk---aaaaaaaaaarrrrr!} because women are BEAUTIFUL and I want to FUCK them and BE FUCKED by them. I picked up the weird monster idea from how women speak about sex and men. It took me a long time to realize it was 99% pretend. If that makes no sense to you and sounds dumb, the inventor and distributor of FFD condoms and all subsequent propaganda probably agrees with you.

    I love women. I am irrationally moved by their physical presence. I express it. I describe pussy as a delicious treat in front of friends, coworkers and customers. I watch women's eyes track me, approving, but I am amazed: I can still count on one hand the number of women I have met who state their minds about screwing, no hedging or BS, no pretend paradigm. It's upsetting and lonely. Fuck yes I want to know if she thinks sex is slimy and gross.

    Mostly, I'm told sex is all kinds of Bad And Dangerous Things that is isn't, so I didn't have a lot of sex that, in retrospect, both (fill-in-name) and I of us obviously wanted to have.
    FFD CondomLady is designed to undermine your-name-here's namelessness, with the promise of tasty pussy and dick. If that's not appealing, fantastic. You can advertise Brussel Sprouts on every street corner and I'm not gonna eat 'em. Perfect. MORE people like you; less tiny, pretend-dolls.

    (Or so I believe)

  4. I don't understand what "blam-o dynamite rad" means as a place in a universe.

    But I agree that pretending doesn't serve anyone. Male or female, if you're looking for just sex, or a casual relationship, or a full-blown relationship, it's terribly damaging to not make your intentions clear at the start.

  5. I suspect "pretend-dolls" are countable; "less" is a confusing state of affairs. I also hope that digging underneath a generalized, judgmental abstraction like "namelessness" proves impossible. Oh dear. Straightforward thought and I are working out a truce. Let me know if I am ever confusing you, human-being-here-labelled-Shark, with abstractions.